A theory on mass shooters

This theory actually encompasses much more than the title might suggest. In fact, it addresses not only suicide but also mass shooters and even individuals who kill their family members and then themselves. To a certain extent, it even includes those who have accidentally or intentionally killed their own children.

You might argue that these situations are unrelated, yet I see it quite differently. For me, this is no longer just a theory, but it almost became a bitter reality. However, I view it not from the potential victim's perspective, but from the perspective that I almost unwillingly became a perpetrator.

It's possible that no one has ever written so openly about what I am reporting here. There are only a few reasons why I can speak so openly about this topic. First, I know it will never happen again. Second, because I have definitely found the cause and thus the solution.

 

My Story

The events I am about to describe happened just a few months before this narration. They were preceded by decades of suffering, which I will deliberately skip over now.

The morning started in a good mood. My wife and I got up early in the morning, looking forward to the new day. My wife went ahead to our home office, and I followed shortly after.

Upon arriving at the home office, I suddenly didn't really feel like working anymore and told my wife that I would go back to our apartment, which I then did. Just moments later, my wife followed me, screaming something about "divorce" and that she would finally move out. There had been no further exchange of words that would have justified such a drastic reaction.

At that point, I was indifferent on one hand, and on the other, I felt angrier and more desperate than ever before. But before I could react, my wife had already left the house.

In my despair, I went to the kitchen to see through the window if she was really driving away with the car, which she actually did. At that moment, it felt like I was standing at the end of the world. Looking into my thoughts and memories, I found myself in an empty, black room. There was nothing there but me and the desperate wish to leave the emptiness. In my mind, there was no future, no past, and no present. There was only an all-encompassing black void that enveloped me and took away my space to live.

At that moment, I knew only one thing. It must stop immediately! I had to free myself from it with all my might. I didn't know why, but I felt this situation was life-threatening for me. I knew I had to do something, or I would die. From an external point of view, there was no reason for this. But for me, it was clear I was in a life-threatening situation that must be ended by any means necessary. The mental void in which I felt trapped had to be broken through.

With this fear, despair, and trapped in a virtual dark room where I constantly felt attacked and had a fear of death without any possibility of escape, more and more instinctive actions, due to the lack of logical explanations, took over my decisions. These instincts did not know who the enemy or attacker was, but they knew that there was a danger to life, and this, lacking other options, had to be dealt with through raw violence and the struggle for bare survival.

At this point, there were several options:

  1. If my wife had been in the room and there had been the slightest suspicion that she was responsible, I would have grabbed the knife from the kitchen block and killed her immediately. Afterwards, I would have killed myself, as I love my wife above all and did not want to live without her.

  2. If I had thought that society was the problem, I would have grabbed a weapon and killed as many people as possible to escape from this void and this threat in my mind. Not because I dislike people, but because there was no other option for me to survive.

  3. I could kill myself. Then this terrible unbearable situation would finally be over, and I would have escaped the void and the life-threatening situation.

The only option left for me was option number 3. Ending my own life to survive.

What sounds completely nonsensical suddenly makes sense when you consider the following. If you find yourself in a life-threatening situation, the mind searches for the cause. A possible attacker or another threat. But what if you feel the threat but cannot identify its origin? You cannot defend yourself, and the danger remains. If you do not react through logical actions, eventually the subconscious takes over and forces you, in some way, to eliminate this danger. Lacking an opponent, only objects in the apartment and ultimately oneself remain. At this point, you are no longer at a stage where you can find the threat through logic. At this point, you attack anything and everything, hoping that the cause will be among them. And if everything else is excluded... oneself.

So, I stood in the kitchen in front of the knife block, took the largest knife with a firm grip out of the block, and imagined how the knife would pierce my ribs into my heart to end my life. Yet, I didn't want to die. I didn't want to hurt myself either. I just wanted to leave this unbearable danger and emptiness behind and escape this situation, which had become intolerable. So, I placed my left hand on the cutting board in front of me. A stab with the blade across my hand would surely end this situation. Or wouldn't it?

With all my strength, I swung the knife, putting all my anger, hatred, desperation, and fear of death into this one movement that accelerated the knife toward the cutting board and my left hand. A brief flash of thought just before the inevitable severing of several tendons and bones in my hand allowed me, in a final effort of my mind, to pull my hand away from under the knife, just milliseconds before the sharp kitchen knife drilled through the wooden cutting board, splitting it in two.

Fleeing from myself, I left the kitchen knife behind and ran through the living room. The situation, the fear, and the feeling of dying today and now followed me. Still, no cause and no attacker could be found. It must, therefore, be me. Practically, I can only end it if I kill myself. Yet, I didn't want to die. And for two reasons. First, I simply didn't want to die, and second, I had promised my wife not to leave her alone. Therefore, I did the only thing that would not end with my death... I punched myself in the head. I literally hammered on my head until I started using objects like car keys for it. All with only one single goal: to survive by knocking myself out.

But even this did not help. Therefore, with the last strength I had, I begged my wife via text to come back. I didn't know why, but I knew I couldn't survive otherwise.

After some time, she actually came back under one condition. This was to immediately leave the house together, which we then did.

We left the house, drove together to a nearby confectionery, sat down together outside, and talked. After that, something happened that I hadn't expected. The darkness disappeared. Likewise, the fear, the aggression, and the anger. The fog in my thoughts cleared, and the events of the last hour became an unexplainable mystery.

In the subsequent conversation, we realized that we both had been in a good mood that morning and that we both independently became irritable even before we met in the home office. That was the moment when we asked ourselves for the first time: "Does this only happen when we are at home?"

This simple question was followed by many more questions that had never occurred to us in this way before. We began to look for commonalities in all our illnesses, problems, and arguments, not asking, "Why ...?" but "Where ...?".

"Where did the argument start?" "Where did the headaches or migraines begin?" "Where were we when we got in a bad mood?" "Where were we when we had muscle cramps?" "Where were we when we wanted to take our lives?"

The answer was simple: at home, in the car, at work, while shopping, in the restaurant... Always indoors. Never outside.

That day was the last day I had depression. The last day I thought about suicide and the last day I argued with my wife. Also, the last day I had sleep disorders, back pain, headaches. Migraine, anxiety disorders, outbursts of anger, or muscle cramps.

And it was the last day I thought it was my own fault and nothing could be done about it.

 

The Theory

Over weeks, months, years, and decades, we are exposed to substances indoors that affect or harm our body and mind. A recurring danger that we cannot consciously perceive. For our body and our subconscious, however, this represents a real danger in some concentrations. A danger that we cannot see, smell, taste, or feel. So, our body can only convey a feeling to us. A feeling of discomfort and fear. "Something is wrong!", but what?

Lacking our sensory capabilities, we are now at a place where a real danger exists. Not acute, but one should not stay here long term. But we do not know this. We begin to ignore the fear, the restlessness, the frustration, and the tiredness. The pain in the head, in the joints, on the skin, the inflammations, the stress, and the psychological problems we attribute to other causes. We fight against the symptoms with which our body tries to keep us away from this place. With which it wants to let us know, something is not right here.

Yet, we have learned all our lives not to give in to our instincts. Not to trust our feelings. "Pull yourself together!", "There's nothing there!", "Stay seated!", "You're imagining things!", "It's your fault!", "You're just lazy!".

So, we stay in the place that makes us sick. We try to disguise, ignore, and treat the symptoms. We use medications, scented candles, room sprays, air fresheners, air purifiers, air conditioning with recirculation, cleaning agents, disinfectants, UV sanitizers, masks, laundry detergents, heaters, and other protective gear, because we realize, "Something is wrong!" We seal our houses even more to prevent pollutants, cold air, or warm air from outside from entering. No pollen, no viruses, no bacteria... and no fresh air. We go from doctor to doctor looking for help, but all we get is the assurance: "It's just how it is...", "Other people have it too...", "Diseases become more common with age".

With some luck, someone might suggest spending more time outdoors. So, in the best case, we do not spend 99.9% of our lives indoors but only 90% or 80%. And even if we open the windows, this small amount can never solve the problem created indoors over decades. So, we resign and accept the symptoms and diseases as a given. Something that just is, and for which there is no cure. After all, physical pain, rashes, allergies, inflammations, depression, anxiety disorders, borderline, and ADHD have nothing to do with the air, right? But that's where the mistake lies. Air is more important for our survival than food. After all, air accounts for more than 70% of the mass we intake daily into our body to generate energy for life, while only 30% comes from food.

 

The Solution

Therefore, we should do the following: Throw open all the windows. Place a fan in every window, airing out all the harmful substances we have brought into our house, bedroom, car, office, and workplace over decades and locked in there with us. And not just briefly, but permanently. Even in the car, we should not rely on the ventilation but additionally open ALL the windows. We should avoid indoor spaces and stay there only briefly. Banish all scent plugs, room sprays, cleaning agents, laundry detergents, UV sanitizers, humidifiers, dehumidifiers, and perfumes outdoors. Out with the stuff from the rooms where we unknowingly breathe in all these substances over decades, substances we wouldn't even drink voluntarily.

And we should stop convincing ourselves that it's our fault. It's not! We shouldn't ask ourselves who is to blame, we should ask whether it's the place, the room, the air conditioning, the ventilation? Even if others don't immediately show the same symptoms, everyone is affected by the indoor air quality. It's just a matter of time and the type of disease that develops because of it.

If you feel uncomfortable in a place, you should ventilate it immediately and leave if in doubt. And if you argue, you should ask yourself: "Is it our fault, or is it rather due to the environment influencing us?"

And under no circumstances should we think that we could ever ventilate too much. Assume that you can never ventilate enough!